Congratulations Mr. President !

Congratulations America!!!

Children Provide the Best Answers !

Maureen says, "If you need a good laugh, try reading through these children's science exam answers:

Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour? (brilliant, love this!)
A: Keep it in the cow.

Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? ( e.g., abdomen)
A: The body is consisted into three parts -- the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels A, E, I, O, and U.

Q: What is the fibula?
A: A small lie.

Q: What does 'varicose' mean? (I do love this one...)
A: Nearby.

Q: Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarian Section.'
A: The Caesarian Section is a district in Rome.

Q: What does the word 'benign' mean?'
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.
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Kids Are Quick:

TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America.
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?
CLASS: Maria.

TEACHER: John, why are you doing your maths multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.

TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.

TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.

TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!

TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.

TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with 'I.'
MILLIE: I is......
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.

TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.

TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.

TEACHER: Clyde, your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.

TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A Teacher. "

Ha! Ha! Ha!

Thank you Maureen

Another Joke

How to Tell the Sex of a Fly


Dora walked into the kitchen to find Murphy stalking around with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?" She asked.

"Hunting Flies" He responded.

"Oh. Killing any?" She asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.

Intrigued, Dora asked. "How can you tell them apart?"

He responded, "3 were on my beer can, 2 were on your phone."

Joke - Males verses Females at the ATM Machine

Hello Inga and Friends Everywhere!

We thought you may have missed Ian reading out this message yesterday morning. Vivienne forwarded it to Ian to prove women can laugh at themselves!

New Procedures At The ATM MACHINE !

A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads: 'Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling Customers to withdraw cash without leaving Their vehicles. Customers using this new facility are Requested to use the procedures outlined Below when accessing their accounts. After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE Procedures have been Developed. Please follow the Appropriate steps for Your gender..'

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MALE (Murphy) PROCEDURE:

1. Drive up to the cash machine.

2. Put down your car window.

3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.

4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.

5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.

6. Put window up.

7. Drive off.

*******************************

FEMALE (Dora) PROCEDURE:

1. Drive up to cash machine.

2. Reverse and back up the required Amount to align car window with the machine.

3. Set parking brake, put the window down.

4. Find handbag, remove all contents on To passenger seat to locate card.

5. Tell person on cell phone you will call Them back and hang up.

6. Attempt to insert card into machine.

7. Open car door to allow easier access To machine due to its excessive distance From the car.

8. Insert card.

9. Re-insert card the right way.

10. Dig through handbag to find diary With your PIN written on the inside Back page.

11. Enter PIN.

12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.

13. Enter amount of cash required.

14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.

15. Retrieve cash and receipt..

16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet And place cash inside.

17. Write debit amount in check register And place receipt in back of checkbook.

18. Re-check makeup.

19. Drive forward 2 feet.

20. Reverse back to cash machine.

21. Retrieve card.

22.. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, And place card into the slot provided!

23. Give dirty look to irate male driver Waiting behind you.

24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.

25. Redial person on cell phone.

26.. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.

27. Release Parking Brake

Happy Birthday Hildie!!!

Happy New Year from Poppy (Holly's Cousin)

Happy New Year Friends!